14 January 2012
P.O. Box 260124
To whom it concerns,
I’m writing to you as a concerned citizen of planet Earth. I’ve always supported green issues and been proactive in minimising my impact on the environment, however recent events have begun to make me doubt the efficacy of my efforts; but not to the point of despair, as a shift in perspective has revealed to me a possible solution to the immense challenges we face with climate change.
Firstly, let me recall to you the events of Sunday last. I was looking to clear a growing stock pile of beer bottles from my flat, when a search for the closest bottle bank revealed it to be quite the distance away. The website did give direct directions for driving & parking space information, but not in a sarcastic, post modern manner but genuinely oblivious to the effects of petrol burning on the net result of the good green deed. Not that it mattered to me however as I don’t drive anyway; all I have to get around are my trusty vegan-friendly, fairly traded, unionised labour crafted boots and it was going to take up to 2 hours of walking back and forth to clear this backlog, so I thought “Feck it, I wont bother.”
It was this thought that set me aback, with my right-on, liberal credentials so established, was I really prepared to just not bother and give up on this? I started to feel like Canada as they pulled out of the Kyoto protocol.
Kyoto was a massive leap forward. To get the governments across the world to come together to make a concerted effort to turn the tide on climate change is amazing; even if a few rogue states like the USA rejected it, there was still enough good will from the civilised world to tackle the problem effectively.
Or at least, there was enough good will.
The banking crisis that began in the USA five years ago has since spread and pushed the western world to the brink of economic collapse, and popular opinion has decided that money is more important than having a habitable planet. I don’t know if it’s ignorance or short-sightedness, but ‘the economy’ is the excuse being used now to bulldoze any new progressive projects and even to cut back on the few that we do have.
With the global population over 7 billion now and rising, fossil fuel burning box cars and methane emitting beef burger machines continuing to multiply, and an ever growing island of plastic waste in the Pacific it’s almost enough to make you cynical, give up hope and enjoy the little time we have left with reckless abandon.
Almost. For, as noted earlier I think I have found a way forward for the human race: redheads.
Let me explain: Yes, climate change is real. The ever increasing human activity on the planet is warming it further. Bring fossil fuels into the mix and that’s just exasperating it. The ushering in of a new ice age seems inevitable, the only question is whether it will be sooner or later. Rather than think of this as an apocalyptic scenario that we have to avoid, I think the time has come to accept this as a potential reality, and begin now to prepare in earnest.
If we want humanity to have the best chance of surviving the ice age, we must put our knowledge of genetics and medical advances to use and promote a population with a phenotype better suited to cope with the cold, dark times ahead. A mutation of the MC1R gene is thought to have evolved during the last ice age and tends to produce better heat retention and better vitamin D production in low light, yet occurs in less that 2% of the population due this mutation being on a recessive gene. To counter this, two carriers must pair off and produce offspring for the best chances of that offspring also to have the genes. With such a low starting percentage and the recessive nature, the propagation of these suitable genes will be too slow if left to solely natural means and so extra encouragement is needed to ensure the success of these genes and therefore the preparedness of humankind for the future.
In layman’s terms, what I’m arguing for here is the interbreeding of redheads.
On first glance this suggestion may seem seem distasteful, but I can assure you this has got nothing to do with inhumane population controls or eugenics (like the evil George Bernard Shaw would promote). This is quite the opposite in fact. The suggestion is merely to encourage and provide a proper incentive for these people to meet and mate and hopefully work some way towards ensuring the continued survival of the human race.
Examples of suitable candidates for this program would be Karen Gillan (aka Amy Pond in Dr. Who), Kari Byron (from Mythbusters), Hayley Williams (from Paramore), Felicia Day (Penny from Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog), and Elena Satine (from ... stuff probably, she’s on Imdb anyway).
With the endorsement of the UN on a mission to save humanity, these five ladies could be requested to hook up with a redhead male such as, for example, maybe, me.
Ok, if I must, the reasons why I would be a suitable candidate for this program are:
1. I’m great,
2. I’m obviously a genius since I came up with this brilliant scheme to, eh, save humans or whatever,
3. My physical prowess is second to none, I can even do ... this! ..., and
4. I’m stunningly handsome (I can assure you it’s true, no need to go looking for pics), and so with all those lovely girls’ looks and their brains and my looks and my brains, we’d have the perfect children to weather the oncoming storm.
And so I conclude, the future of the human race is in your hands, so you must, simply must, make this happen. Preferably in big fancy Berlin hotel with all five of them at the same time and loads of champagne and absinthe and cigarettes and chocolate ice cream and stuff.
I look forward to your reply.
 Probably more impressive when seen, but you get the idea.
 Oh yeah wait, if we actually have any kids the UN should take care of them, not me, y’know for safe keeping and all that.
 Actually a decent supply of prophylactics too - in keeping with the WHO and UNAIDS health recommendations. Yeah, that’s why.